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Not all grandparents live close by — but distance doesn’t have to mean disconnection. Grandparents play a uniquely powerful role in the lives of autistic children: they offer unconditional love, patience, and a relationship that exists outside the daily demands of therapy and structured learning. This blog — drawn from Autism Speaks’ Grandparent’s Guide to Autism — offers eight practical, heartfelt strategies for long-distance grandparents to build and maintain meaningful relationships with their grandchildren with autism, from scheduled phone calls and video visits to photo traditions, reading aloud remotely, and the enduring power of real mail.

The Distance Between You Doesn’t Define the Relationship

There is a particular kind of ache that comes with being a grandparent who lives far away from a grandchild with autism.

You know how much your presence matters. You know that autistic children often thrive on familiar relationships, on consistent faces, on the warm particular presence of a grandparent who knows their name and their ways. And you also know that you are not there — not for the Tuesday therapy sessions, not for the Saturday mornings, not for the ordinary moments that add up, quietly, into the fabric of a child’s earliest sense of being loved.

But here is what is also true: long-distance grandparents play a more significant role than they often believe. Those of you who are long-distance grandparents may think you play a lesser role, but that doesn’t have to be the case.

Grandparents occupy a unique position in autism families — and that position is not defined by geography. Researchers classify diverse forms of grandparenting that include everything from the mentor, nurturer and role model to the hero, playmate and wizard. And these classifications hold whether you live across town or across the country.

Distance is real. But so are video calls, real mail, consistent rituals, and the steady presence of a grandparent who keeps showing up — in whatever form showing up takes across the miles.

This blog offers eight strategies for doing exactly that.

Why Grandparents Matter So Much in Autism Families

Before the strategies, it is worth pausing on the why — because understanding the particular importance of grandparents in autism families helps frame what you are building when you invest in these connections.

Studies have found that as many as one in three grandparents may have noticed autistic-like behaviors in their grandchildren prior to diagnosis. This means that grandparents are often among the first people in an autistic child’s life to recognize something — a pattern, a difference, a need — that others have not yet named. That attentiveness is not incidental. It is a form of love.

Grandparents also provide something the immediate family unit cannot always provide for itself: relief. A major concern for grandparents is the wellbeing of their adult children who are parenting a child with autism. Because a child’s autism diagnosis can lead to emotional, financial and marital stress, grandparents frequently play a significant role in helping their families.

And even from a distance, grandparents provide something that is genuinely difficult to quantify: a relationship that exists outside the clinical and educational frameworks that can come to dominate an autistic child’s world. A grandparent is not a therapist. Not a teacher. Not a specialist. A grandparent is simply someone who loves their grandchild with uncomplicated, unconditional depth.

That is something no distance can fully erase — and something worth actively building.

1. Get on the Phone — and Schedule It

The simplest and most powerful connection strategy for long-distance grandparents is also the most obvious: call. Regularly, consistently, predictably.

Agree on a time to call your grandchild’s cell phone — or simply call on the home phone — but schedule it. Make a big deal about it.

The scheduling element is particularly important for autistic children, who often thrive on predictability and can struggle with unexpected or spontaneous contact. A standing weekly call — Tuesday afternoons, every Sunday after lunch — becomes a ritual. Something to look forward to. Something that anchors the relationship in the child’s sense of time and routine.

For younger children or those with limited verbal communication, keep the calls simple. Short, warm, and consistent is better than long and sporadic. For older children, have some “news” ready — something to share, a question to ask. Have news and questions ready for an older child; for a young one, keep it simple. And be prepared to listen.

The goal is not the perfect conversation. It is the consistent presence — the weekly signal that says: I am thinking of you. I am here.

2. Use Technology to Create Face-to-Face Connection

Video calling has transformed long-distance relationships — and for grandparents of autistic children, it is one of the most valuable tools available.

Seeing a face — really seeing it, with its expressions and reactions in real time — is categorically different from a voice alone for many autistic children. Video calls allow grandparents to be visually present, to share reactions, to read and respond to the child’s nonverbal communication in ways that telephone calls cannot support.

If you feel secure enough to venture into social media, communicate using the Internet. Truly, it’s not that difficult, as more than half of adults over 65 are online these days. From texting and email to Facebook and instant messaging, the opportunities are endless.

Beyond regular video calls, consider:

• Pre-recorded video messages. A short video of grandma reading a favorite book, or grandpa taking you on a tour of the backyard garden, can be rewatched again and again — which many autistic children love. Familiarity is regulating, and a beloved grandparent’s face and voice become more familiar with every viewing.
• Shared screen activities. Watch a show together, play an online game together, draw at the same time on separate pieces of paper. Activities give the visit a structure that can make connection easier for children who find open-ended conversation challenging.
• Photo sharing. A simple shared album that both grandparent and parent can add to keeps the grandparent visually present in the family’s daily life — and gives the child something to return to between calls.

Work with your grandchild’s parents to identify which technology platforms work best for their child’s specific communication style and sensory preferences.

3. Send Real Mail

In a world of texts and emails and instant everything, there is something irreplaceable about a physical envelope that arrives with your name on it.

Who doesn’t love to get mail? Never underestimate the power of a good old-fashioned letter. For autistic children who respond strongly to tangible, sensory experiences — who love the ritual of opening an envelope, holding a card, rereading a note — physical mail can be extraordinarily meaningful.

Ideas for what to send:

• A postcard from wherever you are. Even a brief message in your own handwriting communicates care in a way that digital messages cannot.
• Books. A monthly book, chosen thoughtfully with the child’s interests in mind, creates a ritual and a shared reading life across distance. You can read the same book together on your next video call.
• Activity kits. A small envelope of stickers, a puzzle, a simple craft — something tactile that arrives with a note from you.
• Photos printed and sent. In a digital world, printed photographs are tangible, displayable, holdable. A photograph of grandma and grandpa that lives on a child’s bookshelf is a daily reminder that they are loved.

The physical presence of real mail in a child’s hands — something that came from you, that you touched and addressed and sent — is a form of connection that technology has not replaced.

4. Read Aloud Together — Even From a Distance

Reading aloud is one of the most intimate and developmentally powerful activities a grandparent can share with a grandchild. And it does not require being in the same room.

Every kid enjoys having a loved one read aloud their favorite book. This is not just for grandparents who live nearby.

On a video call, read aloud from a book that both grandparent and grandchild have a copy of. Hold the book up to the camera. Make the voices. Turn the pages together. For a child who loves being read to, this is not a pale substitute for in-person reading — it is a genuine shared experience that builds both literacy and relationship.

For grandparents who want to create something lasting, consider recording yourself reading a beloved book — with all the voices, all the warmth — and sending the recording to the family. A child who can press play on grandma’s voice reading their favorite story at bedtime has something precious.

You can also use this to introduce books tied to seasons, holidays, or special days — creating a reading ritual that anchors your relationship in the rhythm of the year.

5. Create a Photo Tradition

Every time you are together with your grandchild, take lots of photos, for sure, but always take a certain identical pose. For example, a picture of you and your grandchild sitting together reading, talking, eating, laughing.

This simple practice creates something extraordinary over time: a visual record of a relationship. A series of photos showing the same grandparent and grandchild in the same pose — year after year, as both grow and change — becomes a document of love that the child can look at, return to, and understand.

For autistic children who often find great comfort in looking at familiar photographs, this kind of visual archive can be particularly meaningful. The photos become part of how the child knows themselves in relation to their grandparent — a tangible, recurring proof of connection.

Send copies of these photos to the family for display. A child who sees their grandparent’s face on the refrigerator, on their bedroom wall, in a little album they can flip through — that child is being reminded, daily, that they are loved from a distance.

6. Educate Yourself Continuously

The most impactful thing a long-distance grandparent can do between visits is not just stay in touch — it is to stay informed.

Educate yourself and your extended family about autism. Attend seminars, read books, call or email your family to get frequent updates on your grandchild’s progress. Become active in your grandchild’s treatment and development.

Ask the parents what your grandchild is working on in therapy right now. What new skills are emerging? What are the current challenges? What strategies is the ABA team using that you could mirror during visits? What foods are accepted this week? What is the current bedtime routine?

This kind of ongoing education does two important things: it makes visits significantly smoother, because a grandparent who arrives knowing the current routines and strategies is a grandparent who can support the child rather than inadvertently disrupting them. And it communicates to the parents that you see this child’s development as something you are genuinely invested in — that you are not a passive observer but an active member of the support network.

If you live nearby, offer to accompany your grandchild to therapy appointments to observe these sessions and learn effective techniques for interacting with your grandchild. Even from a distance, you can ask to observe a session remotely, or ask the parents to share resources and updates from the therapy team.

7. Plan Visits With Intention

When distance finally collapses and a visit is possible, the preparation matters enormously.

Grandparents have learned that their grandson requires a few extras from grandma and grandpa — like a mega-dose of perseverance and an uber-willingness to plan ahead to prepare him for what’s coming next.

Advance preparation for a visit might include:

• A social story about the visit. With the parents’ help, create or use a simple visual story that walks the child through the visit: who will be there, where they will sleep, what the routines will look like. Review it with the child in the weeks before the visit.
• Safety-proofing the environment. Unless you’re still in good enough shape to go racing down the street after your grandchild, you’ll want to pay extra attention to your doors and windows. Ask the parents about wandering, about sensory sensitivities in the home environment, and about anything that needs to be adapted for the visit.
• Identifying preferred activities. Ask the parents about your grandchild’s favorite activities, ones that he or she enjoys and doesn’t get too frustrated by. Visits structured around preferred activities are visits where connection is most likely to happen.
• Maintaining familiar routines. Ask about the child’s current schedule and stick to it as closely as possible during the visit. Predictable structure reduces anxiety and creates the conditions for genuine enjoyment.
  

8. Support the Parents Too

Long-distance grandparenting is not only about the grandchild. It is also about supporting the parents — who are, every day, doing something extraordinarily hard.

Ask if you can babysit your grandchild for a few hours, or overnight, so that your child can get a break or enjoy some alone time with his or her spouse. If you live at a distance or are not comfortable babysitting your grandchild, you may want to offer to pay for respite services if possible.

Even from a distance, there are meaningful ways to support autism parents: financially, emotionally, and through the simple act of asking regularly, sincerely, how they are doing — and listening to the real answer.

Keep the door open to genuine communication by sharing your own sadness, fears, and joy. Be open and honest about how you feel about interacting with your grandchild. The parents of an autistic child carry enormous weight. A grandparent who creates a relationship of genuine openness — who does not require the parents to perform optimism — is a grandparent who is providing something invaluable.

Remember also that the siblings, if any, need your attention too. While a parent takes your grandchild with autism to a therapy appointment or attends a school meeting, you may want to offer to stay with any siblings. Long-distance grandparents who intentionally include siblings in their reach are grandparents who are supporting the whole family.

A Note to Grandparents From On Target ABA

The families we serve carry so much — and the grandparents in those families carry their own particular version of that weight: the love and the worry and the distance and the longing to do more.

We want you to know that what you are doing matters. Every scheduled call. Every piece of real mail. Every visit you have prepared for. Every book you have read aloud across a screen. These are not consolation prizes for not being there. They are genuine, significant acts of relationship-building that your grandchild will carry.

And when you do arrive — when the distance finally collapses and you are there in the room — you are arriving as someone your grandchild already knows. Someone whose face is familiar from the video calls, whose handwriting they recognize from the cards, whose voice they have fallen asleep listening to at bedtime.

You are not a stranger. You are a grandparent.

That is everything.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: My grandchild is nonverbal. How do we connect across distance?
Nonverbal children can still experience meaningful connection through video calls — seeing your face, hearing your voice, watching you interact. Pre-recorded videos and read-alouds can be watched repeatedly, which many autistic children love. Physical mail with textures and photographs provides tangible sensory connection. Ask the parents which modalities their child responds to best.

Q: My grandchild doesn’t seem to respond to me during video calls. Should I give up?
Please don’t. Many autistic children appear disengaged during interactions that are actually reaching them. Ask the parents what they observe after the call — does the child mention you? Look at your photos? Request the videos you’ve sent? The outward expression of connection in autism often looks different from what we expect.

Q: How do I learn more about my grandchild’s specific needs?
Ask the parents, regularly and genuinely. Ask specifically: what is working right now? What strategies does the therapy team use that I should know about? What should I do if X happens during a visit? What should I avoid? The parents are your most valuable resource — and most will be deeply moved by your genuine desire to learn.

Q: Is there a resource specifically for grandparents of autistic children?
Yes. Autism Speaks publishes a free Grandparent’s Guide to Autism — a comprehensive toolkit specifically designed for grandparents, available for download at autismspeaks.org. It includes information about autism, strategies for supporting the family, and the long-distance grandparenting guidance that inspired this blog.

Q: How can On Target ABA help our family?
On Target ABA serves children ages 2–12 across Ohio and Utah with center-based, home-based, and school-based ABA therapy. We accept most major insurance plans and Medicaid. We also include family training in every program — and that training is available to any consistent caregiver in a child’s life, including grandparents who are nearby or visiting.

At On Target ABA, we serve children ages 2–12 across Ohio and Utah with center-based, home-based, and school-based ABA therapy. We accept most major insurance plans and Medicaid.

→ Contact us to learn about our family-centered approach to ABA therapy
→ Read: Autism and siblings — supporting the whole family
→ Read: Practical daily life tips for autism caregivers
→ Read: When it comes to your child’s progress, we move mountains